This year has started off extremely busy. I was promoted last August as Manager. Although very excited it has been quite draining and never a dull moment.
I haven't written in two years. Time truly flies when work takes over your life. I don't regret the amount of work I have put in but maybe do regret missing out on the little things that I should have stopped to enjoy. After all that is who I am. A person that falls in love with the little things. Things like coming home to a fresh cut lawn. The smell is satisfying but more importantly I always think to myself that lawn looks beautiful, taken care of, and tidy. I feel like I can be proud of it even though I had nothing to do with mowing it. Somehow seeing that it is done and taken care of allows me to relax and smile.
Maybe some of the anxiety I now live with almost daily stems from coming home to a house that I have forgotten how much I love. I walk in and all I see is unfinished rooms. Walls with no pictures up, a kitchen with no decorations, a yard that still needs to be cleaned up. Nobody said owning a house would be easy but it's been over two years. I would at least like to have pictures up.
I did get my dog. Max a 20 pound poodle from the Humane Society. The most undog like dog I have ever been near. I can't express how lucky I am to have the pleasure of being blessed with his presence. Never in my dreams did I ever think I would own a poodle. He isa white, fluffy, ball of joy. I wouldn't trade him for anything in the world and I tell myself that he will live longer than I because I could never replace him nor want to nor imagine a day without him. He fills a void in me that nothing else could.
I looked forward to this year because it was what we call an odd year and in the type of business world that I work in that means less chaos. This was not true. Not true at all this year. I have learned more than I ever thought I would learn in this position. I am so proud of everything I have accomplished in the last two and half years. I can say and believe that I made it where I am because of me and only me. I found it to be quite an eye opener this year realizing how much others think they are the reason I am successful.
I have a friend that every time we talk this friend tries to play mind games by apologizing to me for helping me get my manager position and apologizing that I have to work so much. I let it go because apparently this person needs that in order to feel worthy of the position that they use to have. One of these days I will speak up and express my gratitude. I would say thanks even though you almost didn't even give me a chance to interview for the specialist position. I would pat you on the back for being able to watch me beg and plead for the chance. I would thank you for pissing me off which lit a fire under me to research the job, classes that I could attend, anything to intrigue you to give me at least the chance to interview. I would thank you for letting your lead interview me. I would thank you for leaving the choice up to him. I would thank him for believing in me. I would thank you for allowing me to take the same class you did so I could ace it knowing you didn't even get an A. I would thank you for admitting to me numerous times you didn't think I would make it, you didn't think I would be able to do what I have done today. I would thank you for comparing me to your loser female friend who couldn't keep a job or a man and that would ultimately be a nobody. I would thank you for over working me. I would thank you for giving me duties that were clearly your role. I would thank you for putting pressure on me to sneak behind my leads back to get jobs done so that the pressure was off your back. I would thank you for showing me what not to do when approaching other departments in order to resolve issues. I would thank you for planting a negative seed about my mentor that truly cares to watch me succeed today. I would thank you for showing no sensitivity while leaving no later than 5 everyday while I panicked and taught myself how to write programming languages and carry the team. I would thank you for allowing a co worker to stay employed while he continually verbally abused me and other women in the office and argued with every man in his reach. I would thank you for my many many break downs of bawling that occurred like a helpless child from pure exhaustion, feeling unworthy, not good enough, and tired of staying strong so that people including you didn't walk all over me. I thank you for continually telling me that you would want to tell me job well done but didn't want me to get too big of a head. Thank you for putting so much pressure on me that I learned how to manage the team and become successful. I would thank you for suckering me into thinking you were a true friend but most of all I would like to thank you for being my example of what I didn't want to be as a manager in my interview for your job.
See now, during my interview I was asked what kind of manager I wanted to be and I said "Can I tell you what I don't want to be?" A little surprised he said "Yes". I went on to explain everything I had learned that I didn't want to be. I went into detailed examples of how bad management affects your team and the environment that the team sits in. I explained that it would be my job to keep the weight of the world off of my employees shoulders as much as possible. That interview lasted over two hours. I still believe today that it was my passion in the examples of what not to do that got me my promotion.
So here it goes. In a very nonsarcastic way, you are right. You helped me get my job and for that I do thank you.
M
